An Unforgettable Christmas
by HogwartsPrincess11587
Summary: A late Christmas themed AU One ? shot featuring established, but unhappy Linstead and their bubbly almost four year old daughter. Will they still be a family when the holiday is over?
1. Chapter 1

**Title: An Unforgettable Christmas**

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary: A late Christmas themed AU One+? shot featuring established, but unhappy Linstead and their bubbly almost four year old daughter. Will they still be a family when the holiday is over?**

 **Warning: None**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my imagination.**

Jay Halstead's jaw dropped and in the same instant his legs stopped working, the stacked shopping cart he held onto was the only thing that kept him upright as his eyes focused. His stare so intent that for a long moment he forgot to blink, closing them only when they threatened to water having accumulated a layer of grit. Beginning to process what he had seen he had to keep them shut, tightly, because if he opened them and saw it again, saw her, it would confirm his worst fear. A fear he hadn't even had until he saw her like that, saw them. Together. If he looked again and his fear was confirmed he would do something he hadn't in not quite four years.

"Daddddy" The little voice whined, a voice that belonged to almost four year old Victoria Camille Halstead-Lindsay. It was a mouthful of a name for a handful of a little girl, known to most simply as Tori. With golden brown hair, big blue eyes, freckles and dimples Tori was a combination of both parents in appearance and had a personality to match, laidback and short-tempered, reckless yet kind, goofy but smart. She was the reason he had cried all those years ago, no more than a bright pink bundle screaming at the top of her tiny lungs, born a week early on Christmas morning, the best thing that had ever happened to them.

Jay opened his eyes but only when he'd dropped his chin such that his daughter's face filled his vision. "Sorry Pumpkin, what were you saying?" He questioned, caressing her unbelievably soft cheek and looking deep into her eyes, impatient then shining with his attention. She was too small to know it but in every minute of every day she made him a better person.

"What are we gettin' Mummy for 'Twistmas?" Tori enquired, clearly summarising what she had been saying previously.

"I dunno" He mumbled, again lost to her sweet voice and only just mispronounced words. His gaze had shifted back up at the name, the title, Mummy, because as much as he didn't want it to be it was. Erin Lindsay, the love of his life and the mother of his child, standing just a few yards away kissing another man. He would recognise her absolutely anywhere and now, on a second analysis he had absolutely no doubt. It was her, and it wasn't a friendly kiss. How exactly was one supposed to act in that situation?

Jay had no clue but he fought the initial urge to rush to his… his what? She still refused to marry him, to commit to him. Maybe this was why. How long had it been going on? Emotions of every variety washed over him, anger underlying them all. How could she? That man's hands at her waist, his lips on hers. Jay felt foolish to have ever thought that they had been exclusively his. It all made sense. Too much sense. The desire to cry was long gone, now all he wanted was to punch the man kissing his... partner? She wasn't even that anymore.

"Daddy, it's rude to stare you know" Tori told her father sternly, an adage they'd probably used with her a hundred times, twisting around in the seat she was almost too big for to see what he was looking at.

"Hey" He was quick to react, placing his hand on her upper arm and turning her whole body back around to look at him. "What did you decide we were getting… for…" He trailed off, unable to say it. She wasn't just betraying him right? This would hurt their daughter too.

"Mummy" Tori inserted frustratedly.

"Yeah" He nodded, taking one last look at the couple, the happy couple. Erin was smiling from deep inside, teeth and dimples for all to see, and Jay knew that if he were just a little closer he'd be able to see that twinkle in her eyes. The twinkle he'd put there after tough days at work, after Nadia, after giving Bunny a piece of her mind the day she found out she was pregnant, after their first sleepless nights with Tori. It had been his responsibility, to see the upside and point it out for her. Recently though Tori had been the only one to draw that kind of smile from her, or at least that was what Jay had thought. Seeing it now though, like that, he suddenly hated it and for the first time his optimistic outlook was failing him. There was no upside he could think of, it couldn't possibly end well.

Jay knew he couldn't confront her, them, there, like that. In the middle of their local mall, overcrowded with shoppers due to it being the last Sunday before Christmas. But it was more than that, for Tori's sake he wouldn't. He couldn't bring himself expose his baby girl to that, even if she was getting bigger every day and almost four years old, it would break her heart just like it had his. Tori had been planning her parent's wedding since she was two and a half years old and a flower girl at Adam and Kim Ruzek's wedding. It was the only wish Erin wouldn't grant their daughter.

So instead, to save Tori the pain, he smiled as if nothing was wrong and regained his footings. Pushing the cart on a diagonal so she wouldn't see her mother laughing and holding hands with some other man they entered the nearest store to buy something for the woman being made happy by somebody else. Being loved by somebody else, he couldn't help but picture it, the mental image making his blood run cold as he balled his fists.

"Good afternoon sir, how can I help you?" The woman behind the counter asked politely, dressed in her sleek black suit with an air of superiority about her. Only then did Jay look around and take in what store they had entered, a jewellers, gold and silver gleaming, diamonds sparkling with light that seemed to come from tiny suns at their centres. He relaxed a little, somehow comforted or at least distracted by the awestruck look on his daughter's face. Moments later, with Tori's input of course, he was making what could possibly have been the stupidest purchase of his life.

 **A/N: This chapter is more of a prologue introducing the AU and testing the water to see if anyone is interested in this scenario. It won't be more than a three shot because I just don't have a lot of time to write at the moment, I'm certainly not going to waste my time if there's little interest.**

 **Just to set the record straight I love both Jay and Erin as characters and Linstead to a degree (though I'll always be a Linseride shipper at heart). After listening to Sam Smith's 'I'm Not the Only One' I had to give this a go with them though and I feel that Jay would never cheat while Erin might… under the right circumstances.**

 **Leave a review if you want me to continue, thanks for reading :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: An Unforgettable Christmas**

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary: A late Christmas themed AU One+? shot featuring established, but unhappy Linstead and their bubbly almost four year old daughter. Will they still be a family when the holiday is over?**

 **Warning: None**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my imagination.**

If seeing her in the mall with him had been a gut punch seeing him at their front door was one of Antonio's legendary right hooks. Once again Jay couldn't quite believe what he was seeing, Erin pushing past him in the narrow entry way to greet the guest. It was the most physical contact they'd had in weeks despite sharing a bed and bathroom. How could she invite him to their apartment? To Tori's birthday party none the less.

"Jay, this is Jacob, from work" Erin introduced, brushing against her colleague in the process of closing the door before turning to lead him into the apartment. The fact that Jacob wasn't fazed to meet him made it very clear that he knew Erin was in a relationship, as loosely as that term had come to be used. Jacob even had the gall to extend his hand for a handshake, one Jay returned with a firm grasp and glare of blatant loathing. He had to press himself to the wall to make room for them as they passed, hanging there in the dim between lights to compose himself.

From work. That explained a lot, and nothing at the same time. Erin had returned to work eight months after Tori's birth having been offered Lang's position on the federal taskforce out of the blue. It had been discovered that Lang was taking money meant for CIs for himself, confirming Erin's gut feeling about him. A safer office type job with a sizeable salary had great appeal to the young family, an opportunity Erin couldn't resist when she thought of the life they could have. The life they could give Tori. That was really all the reason she had needed but they had still discussed it at length and with Jay's full support she had accepted the position.

It remained far more office politics than police work and most days she came home ranting about the sexist pigs she had to work with. She'd put up with it for years, her complaints finally stopping only a few short months ago. Jay thought she'd finally accepted the fact she couldn't have it all, the family life she wanted and a job she loved, but now he was starting to think there was more to it. Jacob. The man who was presently crouched in front of his daughter, making her giggle gleefully as he wished her a happy birthday. Erin was smiling again too, watching the interaction with no knowledge she was also being watched.

In that moment Jay forgot why he was putting up with it. Why he had chosen to go down without a fight. Why he hadn't said anything to her on Sunday night, or Monday morning. But it was too late to do anything now. Not in front of their friends and family and certainly not in front of Tori. So instead he was forced to watch Jacob interact in a way that made him feel as if he'd been replaced. The two men even looked similar, about the same height and build, the only distinct difference being Jacob's darker hair and eyes.

"Where's the beer?" Adam Ruzek questioned as he burst through the front door, not bothering to knock, making his priorities clear and justifying his presence simultaneously.

"Adam" Kim scolded her husband with a slap to the upper arm, closing her hand around the limb and pulling him back to her side in front of Jay, who had already acknowledged their arrival and turned his attention back to Jacob. "Merry Christmas Jay, sorry we're a little late, the sitter got caught in traffic."

"Merry Christmas" Adam echoed when his wife's fingernails sunk into the flesh of his arm, just below the sleeve of his inappropriate Christmas t-shirt.

"Uh…Yeah that's fine. Merry Christmas… You could have brought Mason, Tori loves to play with him…" Jay stopped because it was clear Kim was no longer listening, he didn't blame her, she'd simply followed his gaze on one of many glances down the hall to the living room.

"Who's that?" She enquired curiously, Jay didn't even need to see who she was pointing at.

"One of Erin's work friends" Jay put forward, masking his true feelings toward the man, his rival, as best he could.

"Oh, okay. Well we might go say hi to the birthday girl, see you 'round" Kim finished, releasing Adam who bolted down the hall to the kitchen in search of the much anticipated beer.

"Thanks for coming" Jay called after them, finally getting a grip of himself. He was just going to have to suck it up and keep doing exactly what he had been doing, pretending nothing was wrong. He closed the front door then followed in Adam's wake, looking for something to dull the edge.

"Grow up quick don't they" Antonio commented as Jay drained his beer in three gulps, assuming the younger man was just coming to that realisation.

"Mm" Jay allowed, wondering if it would be wrong to have another.

"Gotta make the most of every minute with 'em" Antonio tried to comfort, slapping Jay on the back to shove him in the direction of the living room. Tori was sitting on their ragged old couch like a queen on a throne, revelling in all the attention she was getting from various aunts and uncles, peeling away the wrappings on dozens of birthday gifts. Jay reached back to leave the empty beer bottle on the kitchen bench before making his way towards his daughter.

"Having fun yet pumpkin?" Jay asked, tugging one of her pigtails affectionately as he perched on the arm of the couch.

"Daddy this is the best birthday ever!" Tori exclaimed before a big toothy grin overtook her face.

"Already? It's not even your birthday 'til tomorrow and we haven't had cake yet…" He reasoned playfully. Having a baby born on Christmas made celebrating her birthday separately a challenge and so their annual Christmas Eve birthday party had become a tradition. Family and friends would all come to spend time with Tori before their own family traditions and commitments began, everyone except her parents giving her presents one day early.

"But Aunty Kimmy got me the sparkliest outfit I needed for Bronson, see!" The almost four year old delighted, digging through a pile of discarded wrappings to present a sparkly pink jacket and matching hat that would fit her beloved stuffed dog. Jay could tell that it was definitely something she 'needed' since they'd taught her from the very beginning that needs trumped wants. "He's gonna love it!" She informed, pitch rising with each syllable she was so excited. "And Uncle Tonio got me a new story and Uncle Kev got me a pony!" She continued, presenting both to her father as well, her enthusiasm constant because she liked books as much as toys.

"A pony!?" Jay questioned, pulling an alarmed face because he knew the reaction he would get. The book looked fun, 'The Muddiest Princess', but bedtime stories had always been Erin's domain so he didn't really want to focus on it and all the feelings he was trying so hard to supress.

"Not a real one!" Tori giggled, pushing the blue and pink toy pony into his hands. It was still in its plastic packaging and he doubted she would ever be able to get it open herself. That was another thing he'd learned since becoming a father, toy packaging was often tighter than security at Stateville.

"Want me to open it for you?" He enquired, his daughter could be fiercely independent and at times stubborn enough that she'd rather play with the toy in its packaging than allow him to help open it.

"Yes!" She answered rapidly. "Please" She added the moment she realised she'd left off the magic word.

"One second" Jay requested, giving her a wink as he got up and headed back to the kitchen. The scissors weren't in the drawer, such a minor thing but it angered Jay because he knew Erin had been using them to cut wrapping paper. It was stupid and he knew it but it felt like she was coming between him and Tori, stopping him from fulfilling his role as her father. In his mind they were only one step away from a custody battle. He couldn't see any other way for it to end, taking out a knife he swiftly cut away the packaging.

"Hold still I want a photo" Kim interjected from the other side of the kitchen bench, she'd become their official event photographer since her husband had bought her a Nikon for her birthday. It made a good photo, Jay wielding a knife, massive in comparison to the little blue pony, determination in his eyes.

"Done?" Jay questioned at the third snap of the shutter, having frozen like a statue.

"Mhm" Kim informed, already looking around for her next shot. Jay returned the knife to the drawer and tossed the packaging plastic in the garbage, scooping up the little pony carefully. Tori was hanging over the back of the couch watching him and he gave her a smile before looking around to navigate his way through the crowded apartment.

Her hand was on his arm. He didn't want to see it, he hadn't even meant to look in their direction but it was a small apartment and he had no choice. He couldn't unsee it either, another image of Erin and Jacob burned into his memory forever more. Jay found himself taking in a deep breath as his heart began to pound in his ears, rage overcoming him for all of a second before he set his jaw and looked back to Tori. "There you go pumpkin."

"Thank you Daddy" Tori sing-songed as she accepted the toy, twisting around to sit comfortably as she performed an inspection of her new toy. It was far more interesting out of its packaging.

"Mm" Jay nodded. He was surprised to see Erin looking in his direction as he slid onto the couch next to Tori, then assumed she was checking on their daughter right up until their eyes met. She gave him a half smile which after a moment he managed to return, it hurt more than he could ever have predicted to realise he still loved her. To think she could hurt and betray him so terribly but still he would forgive her in a heartbeat. Then she began to mouth something and it clicked, she wasn't smiling at him, she was just trying to communicate that she thought it was a good time for them to organise birthday cake. "Tor do you think it's cake time yet?"

"No! Grandpa's not here yet" Tori answered seriously, looking to the door expectantly, she was eagerly anticipating his arrival. Jay felt obliged to look back to Erin, waiting with her eyebrows raised for a reply, he shook his head once and was done with it.

"He'll be here soon pumpkin" Jay assured with a check of his watch, he knew 'Grandpa' Hank would arrive as soon as he could and that Tori would love to see him when he did. "Why don't you go get Bronny so he can try on his new clothes?" He suggested when Tori continued to watch the door, hopeful it would distract her.

"Good idea Daddy" Tori agreed swiftly, placing the pony on his lap before sliding off the couch onto her little legs. She ran off to her bedroom calling to the toy she treated just like a real dog, "Bronson! Here boy!" She had him clutched in her hand by the scruff of his neck when she next appeared in the hallway.

It was at that moment Hank arrived, the two very nearly collided but Tori launched into her grandpa's arms and squeezed him tightly in a hug. Jay didn't mind blending into the background as Hank began fussing over how much Tori had grown since he'd seen her the previous weekend, instructing her to stop eating so many vegetables. Jay's mind wandered for a few minutes before he was tasked with dressing Bronson for the party, he thought he'd stuffed little limbs into tiny clothes for the last time but was happy to comply with Tori's request.

He was so focused that he didn't immediately notice everyone moving to the living room while Erin made her way to the kitchen, on his feet and following her as soon as he'd passed the toy on to his daughter. By the time he arrived she had the cake out on the bench and was fixing the icing where it had been pressed against the lid of the box. He wanted to help but wasn't sure how, feeling awkward as he watched her position a yellow digger on top of the mud cake. Their daughter loved playing in mud with her various trucks and diggers so the cake would definitely appeal to her tomboyish side.

"Cute" An unexpected voice contributed, Jacob pushing past Jay and taking place at Erin's side. He dipped a finger into the icing, sucked it clean then dug the digger's bucket attachment into the cake to cover up the mark.

"We've got this under control if you want to go wait with the other guests" Jay wasn't sure where the words were coming from but it felt good to speak up. His tone was even but forceful and he left Jacob in no doubt he wasn't welcome there.

"Hm" Jacob grunted in acknowledgement, glancing at Erin before giving the other man a pointed look as he left them alone together.

"That was rude, he was just trying to help" Erin defended as soon as Jacob was out of earshot, frowning at the man she was supposed to be loyal to.

"I know" Jay stated flatly, holding eye contact with her for a long moment. She shook her head and gave a little eye roll in frustration before throwing a questioning look in his direction. If he knew it was rude why had he done it? "Erin. I know" Jay repeated and something about the way he said it, the lump in his throat and the troubled look in his eyes, communicated something much greater than a petty disagreement. Filling her with dread in an instant. He knew.

 **A/N: Apologies for the delay, I did say I was busy and that's because I've been moving house interstate! I hope this lives up to any expectations you had and any thoughts, comments or suggestions regarding the impending climax would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: An Unforgettable Christmas**

 **Rating: T**

 **Summary: A late Christmas themed AU One+? shot featuring established, but unhappy Linstead and their bubbly almost four year old daughter. Will they still be a family when the holiday is over?**

 **Warning: Coarse language.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my imagination.**

 **A/N: Huge apologies for the delay. Between working on other projects and my busy life I've barely had time to think about this story. I deeply regret posting when I wasn't committed to finishing it. I feel like I have broken the unwritten contract between author and audience by leaving this so long. Please forgive me.**

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The tick of the clock was deafening, each second more painful than the one before it. Silence stretching on between the man with his head in his hands and the woman with her arms folded across her chest. They sat opposite each other but their eyes remained averted, they hadn't looked at each other or spoken since their last guest had departed.

Hank seemed to have sensed their unease, remaining behind as if to supervise them while they put Tori to bed and cleaned up. His last words had been a reminder of what was to come, providing them the additional distraction of preparing for the next morning. Over the next half hour they had worked independently to ferry Christmas presents from various hiding places, arranging them caringly under the tree that bore all the signs of having been decorated by their three year old.

And then, when the stage was set for a picture perfect Christmas morning neither of them thought would arrive, they had assumed their positions. Both equally determined not to be the one to start the conversation. The oppressive silence seemed to have sucked all the air from the room, throats constricting to the point they likely couldn't speak even if they had wanted to.

The sob broke the silence in an entirely unexpected way, Jay's head snapping up and allowing eyes to dart to her face and the surprised expression she wore. She clearly hadn't planned to produce the pained noise. He almost moved, shifting his weight ready to cross the space and comfort her, but then he remembered and anger swelled instead. She had no right to cry.

"I don't know what you think you know but you're wrong!" Erin burst out, standing suddenly with a look of stony defiance in her eyes.

"Am I?" Jay asked calmly, unable to hold eye contact since she quickly took an interest in her own feet. "I saw you kissing him in the mall on Sunday, making you laugh. I was Christmas shopping with Tori" He explained softly, which was scarier than the yelling Erin had anticipated.

"Did she see?" Erin questioned urgently, alarmed by the thought of their almost four year old having seen her.

"No" Jay answered flatly, frustrated that she seemed more concerned for their daughter than she was their relationship. A relationship that was surely doomed if she continued to deny what he had witnessed.

"I never meant for this to happen" She confessed, only just managing to hold back her tears. She shifted her weight as if she were considering running away but then clenched her fists and set her jaw, sitting back down across from him.

"Then how did it? Why did it?" Jay pressed, shaking his head in despair before reverting to holding it in his hands.

"I don't know" Erin answered honestly. It was clear to Jay that she was struggling to remain seated, just barely holding herself together, but he couldn't empathise.

"Well I certainly don't! I don't understand how we got to here Erin. Why?" He repeated the question, feeling like a broken record, or more accurately a broken heart.

"I lost you. Us. I was so focused on Tori. I work for Tori. I come home to Tori" She offered, gaining confidence with each word that made it past her lips. Perhaps it was her upbringing but she had always felt deficient when it came to having words to describe the complex tangle of emotions she had experienced in the last few months. It was even harder when she couldn't even explain to herself how things had gotten so out of hand.

"Don't" Jay near growled. "Do not blame her for this" He warned, voice and eyes dangerously dark. The hurt she'd seen there a second ago was replaced by anger and protectiveness, as if in that very moment she was threatening his daughter. Their daughter.

"I'm not! I'm not, I would never" She defended automatically, sliding forward in her chair before running her fingers through her hair, expending some of her anxious energy. "I lost touch with you..." She amended without qualification, finally taking responsibility.

It was a confession, one Jay had still hoped she somehow wouldn't be able to make, that this was all a dreadful nightmare and he might wake up.

"He was there. He was there when you weren't Jay" She added then, an undertone of accusation in her voice.

"I would have been there!" It was Jay's turn to explode, launching to his feet. "You know I would have. I've always had your back" He reminded forcefully, exasperation making him want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her.

He was already blaming himself, he didn't need her pointing out his failures as well. Jay was quiet for a long moment, scrubbing his hand over his face as he contemplated the mess they were in. "Why didn't you come to me? Why wasn't I enough Erin?" He asked, speaking his mind.

"It's not like that..." Erin protested, unable to answer either question, she couldn't believe she'd driven him to ask them. She felt sick with guilt and for a moment felt the need to rush to the bathroom, but it was the guilt that made her stay put, waiting for him to tell her what she could do to make it up to him. Forgiveness was far from Jay's mind though, he was still trying to assess the damage.

"Did you sleep with him?" He couldn't even look at her ask he asked the question, the heel of his palm rubbing at his eye as he looked at the Christmas tree. Four years ago Christmas morning had brought them a miracle, there was no hope of a recurrence that year.

"No!" She replied instantly, horrified at his bluntness. "No" She repeated, voice betraying her as she locked eyes with him. The tears she had been holding back began to flow freely but she continued regardless. "We fucked. Once. In a bathroom stall at work like horny teenagers" She confessed in barely a whisper, at the very least she owed him complete honesty. She had never felt a pain as intense as the stabbing in her chest as his eyes filled with disbelief and betrayal. "It didn't mean anything."

"I can't believe it."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Erin cried out before biting her bottom lip, eyes tracking his every movement. "Please don't go" She pled as he strode past her, heading straight for the door. She swallowed the emotion for a second, thinking beyond herself. "You can't go" She informed.

"Erin" Jay groaned. He felt like he was suffocating, being slowly smothered, and he needed to get outside into the cold night air if he had any chance at processing everything. Then, when he had been able to digest the new information, he would be able to determine which doors he would reopen.

"Give me a reason to stay" He implored, surprised by the way she'd climbed over the back of the chair to follow him to their front door. His hand grasped the door handle but he already knew what she was going to say, and he knew she was right.

"Tori" She provided predictably. "You can hate me but please, please don't ruin her Christmas, her birthday. She can't wake up without you here... She's the best thing we have ever done. Everything else I've fucked up, I know that, it's all my fault. But I can't do that to her."

"You weren't thinking of her when you screwed Jacob" Jay hissed, well aware they were closer to their daughter's bedroom and therefore had to keep their voices down.

"No. But I was thinking of her when we found a little girl playing lookout, frozen on the front stairs of an illegal casino… four more kids inside. Jacob was thinking of his son. We couldn't get justice for those kids, we were both frustrated. He understood what I was feeling, he was there Jay" She tried to justify, wondering if sharing the circumstances that had led to her infidelity would help him understand.

"And where was I? At home with Tori? What was I doing? Working for her, for us, just as hard as you do?" Jay questioned, thinking her behaviour inexcusable. He couldn't always be the one making her uncomfortable, forcing her to open up.

"That doesn't matter. It's over, I swear. That's what Sunday was about" Erin explained, feeling as if she were trying to catch rain in a strainer it was so futile.

"Didn't look like it" Jay muttered, leaning back against the wall, the coats hanging on their coat rack cushioning his back. He had given up on leaving but he'd also given up on the conversation, there was simply no traction left to be had.

"Jay I promise, it's over. What you saw…was stupid… I would do anything to take it back" She told him sincerely.

"How am I supposed to trust you?" Jay enquired, still finding it hard to look at her without picturing her with Jacob. He needed to see her eyes though to determine if she was telling the truth.

"You just are!" She spat, exasperated. "Maybe that's the problem, you have **never** been able to trust me! When you look at me you only ever see the girl from a damn CI file!" She accused viciously. He thought he had felt it all but those words stung, knowing she couldn't possibly believe that.

"You know that isn't true" Jay denied evenly, he had always had far more patience than her. "I see the woman who got past all of that. The woman I love for her strength and determination. The best mother" He divulged with the briefest smile crossing his face.

He would accept everything and work towards forgiveness because he loved Erin Lindsay with every fibre of his being. Maybe he was a fool in love, time would tell. He was convinced though that she was the only one for him, he wasn't going to let her go without one hell of a fight. Even if he was the only one fighting.

"I am so sorry I wasn't there for you Erin, when I should have been" He apologised. Some would say it was weak but he needed to take full responsibility for the part he had played, just as he expected she would in time.

"No!" She refused loudly, reducing her volume before she continued. "It's my fault, I **am** still that stupid girl. I am so used to fucking everything up... I've ruined everything. I don't expect you to forgive me but please, please stay for Christmas Jay, for Tori" She begged. Jay had already decided he wasn't going and he thought he'd made that clear when he'd released the door handle.

"Why couldn't you just let me in?" He questioned as he pushed past her, making his way back to their living room, exhaustion written in his tense features.

"I don't know" She allowed sadly, wiping at her eyes as she followed him.

"You might want to think about that" He suggested. "I'll sleep out here."

Erin allowed the tick of the clock to return to a thunderous pounding, giving him every opportunity to change his mind and express the anger she wanted him to be feeling at her. She had no idea how to navigate her emotions let alone his, not when their situation was so unlike anything she'd observed as a child. Or at least it had been before she had well and truly crossed the line with her colleague."Okay" She accepted at last, accepting his defeat and her own.

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 **A/N: You might think that that's not much of an ending and that's because it's not! I know I said this was going to be three chapters, and I promise I can count, but I like this as a chapter. There will be one more chapter and perhaps an epilogue... I never know when to stop! Tori will definitely feature more in the next chapter.**

 **As you can probably imagine it was insanely difficult to write unhappy-Linstead. I mean I knew I was challenging myself but why would anyone cheat on Jay Halstead?! Seriously? I acknowledge that some people find this particularly OC but it's fanfiction… I'm just playing! I can see Jay being this resigned/submissive though and Erin really struggling to maintain a long term relationship.**

 **At this point I want to get this finished ASAP so I can focus on Baby Severide and uni… Oh and a one-shot I still owe somebody (eeek)!**

 **P.S - T** **o answer that reviewer's question (from ages ago) Erin has been having an affair with Jacob. Erin and Jay were in a semi-happy relationship before Jay found out about Jacob.  
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	4. Chapter 4

**A Christmas miracle…a few days late because I suck at deadlines. Dedicated to NALEY23alwaysforever for encouraging me to finish this. I really hope you like it.**

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If the pitter-patter of little feet hadn't woken him the weight on his chest and small hands kneading his cheeks like playdough would have. At least having been roused before she got to the lounge room meant that he had heard her gasp as she spied the abundance of presents under the Christmas tree.

"Daddy! It's 'Twistmas!" Tori announced in a shrill whisper, so excited she was barely able to keep her voice down.

"Merry Christmas pumpkin," Jay murmured in reply, not bothering to open his eyes as he wrapped his arms around his daughter. Holding her tightly to his chest he tried desperately to cling onto that moment. As much as he didn't want to remember it, it was right there in the back of his mind; a waking nightmare.

"Daddy," she whined after a moment, squirming free she sat up. As she looked over at the Christmas tree, awestruck, Jay tried to rub some life into his face. Bleary eyes blinking up at her perfect smile, freckle spattered nose and twinkling blue eyes. He tried not to notice her dimples or think of the person she had inherited them from. "Why are you sleepin' on the couch?" Tori questioned innocently as blue met blue.

For a moment Jay couldn't answer, the breath had been stolen from his lungs, his heart skipped a beat but not in a good way. He loved her so much. They may have only had her for three, no four years, but she had given his life purpose. She was all things good and it was his duty to protect that.

"I wanted to see Santa," Jay lied, speaking as if it were the only reasonable explanation for the odd behaviour.

"You saw Santa?" The four year old asked incredulously.

"Nope, I fell asleep," he commiserated, watching as his daughter processed that information. Thankfully she wasn't disappointed for long.

"It's okay Daddy, next 'Twistmas I'll help you stay awake." Tori proposed sweetly, leaning down to press a kiss to her father's cheek.

"Thanks pumpkin," Jay murmured as he shrugged off the pretence and tried to smile up at his daughter. He honestly didn't know if they would still be a family that time next year, there was only so much he could fight.

A second gasp from Tori brought him back to reality. "Does Mummy know its 'Twistmas?"

"I don't know. How about we make some coffee to wake her up?" He suggested calmly, hoping that the sound of them in the kitchen would draw Erin out of the bedroom. Not because he wanted to see her, in fact he was dreading it, but because he didn't think he could keep their daughter away from the presents much longer.

"Mummy likes coffee," Tori confirmed enthusiastically.

"She does," he confirmed, lifting his little girl as he stood. Tori giggled as she was draped over her father's shoulder, fingers gripping the back of his t-shirt to hold on as he bounced into the kitchen.

Tori pressed the button on the coffee machine the same way she had nearly every morning since she was ten months old. Now four years old her improved coordination meant that her father allowed her to help scoop the coffee grounds and select mugs from the cupboard as well.

"Happy Birthday baby," Jay bid as he stuffed a chunk of yesterday's mud cake into her mouth; having spied it whilst retrieving the milk from the fridge.

"I'm four now Daddy." Tori managed around her mouthful, waggling four little fingers in his face.

"Don't four year olds have cake for breakfast?!" He challenged playfully, wiping a smudge of chocolate icing from the corner of her mouth. Kinking an eyebrow he awaited her answer, his eyes giving her permission to play along.

"Nope," she refuted flatly. "Cake's not healthy, it's a treat for special O-ccasions." The four year old informed, clearly repeating something she had heard somewhere.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Birthday's and 'Twistmas are special O-ccasions because they only come once a year-" Tori explained seriously.

"What else?" He encouraged, interrupting only so that his daughter didn't go blue in the face trying to tell him everything she knew in one breath.

"Fruit and veggies are healthy, they have vIta-mens to make you grow big and strong." She finished with a contagious, beaming smile. Jay loved seeing the world through her eyes, such curiosity and wonder, innocence and hope.

"You're so smart," he praised, ruffling her hair affectionately before swapping out the mug under the machine for the empty one she held. The four year old had even chosen the matching mugs they had received a year ago on her behalf, 'Mummy' printed on one and 'Daddy' on the other.

"I know," Tori accepted without pause.

"Pumpkin, now that you're four do you think you could take this to Mummy in bed? You have to be super careful," He warned. As smart as she was she had no idea that he was giving her the special job because he couldn't bring himself to go in there. Their space was no longer theirs; it had been polluted, poisoned by the presence of another man in her life.

"I can do it," Tori assured confidently, jumping down off the bench so that she was ready to take the steaming mug from him. Reaching for it as soon as he had tipped some into the sink, Jay ensuring the hot liquid wouldn't maim his daughter.

* * *

They were taking turns, interacting with Tori one at a time in fear of treading on toes. Thankfully the four year old remained oblivious, her happiness overpowering the awkwardness stagnating between them.

Jay couldn't help but think it was a sign of what was to come, shared custody. Not that they were even married. Part of him thought he would be okay with missing weeknights if he got her every weekend, two days he could dedicate entirely to her. The other part wanted to fight for sole custody. Revenge, she had taken their relationship so he would take their daughter.

He had no doubt he could use her past against her to persuade a judge. The moment he caught himself thinking that he stopped, clenching his jaw as he forced the thought from his mind. He couldn't, wouldn't do that to her, as much because he still loved her as for Tori.

"Daddy! You're not listening to me." The girl in question accused, frowning at her father as he stopped staring off into the distance and looked at her.

"Hm? Sorry pumpkin, what did you say?" Jay asked, giving his daughter a small, apologetic smile.

"Can Mummy have her present yet?" Tori repeated. Looking from one parent to the other, in doing so somehow she managed to miss the horror and anguish that passed over their faces in turn.

"No!" Jay answered instantly, vehemently. Near snatching the small, wrapped box from her little hand. How she had read the label he didn't know. He should never have put it under the tree, or bought it for that matter.

"Has Mummy been naughty?" Tori enquired teasingly, unimpressed by her their reactions, she had expected a laugh.

"No." Jay repeated, though considerably less emphatically.

"Sometimes adults like to wait to open their presents…" Erin supplied weakly, doubting her decision to get involved even more when she saw his posture stiffen.

"Why?"

"Why don't you open that one Tor? With the glittery red paper, it says it's for Bronson," Jay redirected expertly, pointing out two of her favourite things.

"Ooh, what is it?" Tori pondered. Her blue eyes comically large and inquisitive as she selected the present and tried to feel its contents through the wrappings.

"I don't know, you'll have to open it," Jay encouraged, heart rate slowly returning to normal, relief mixing with the anger still bubbling below the surface.

Even when the pile under the tree had been depleted – bar two presents that remained untouched – the four year old was not finished opening presents. The moment they arrived at the Voight's their happy host hoisted his granddaughter up to unhook her bulging stocking from the mantle.

It was easier to pretend with more people around. Hank had been determined to see both of his grandchildren on Christmas, even though that meant Olive bringing her new partner Declan and their son James along with Daniel. Jay was thankful for the loud and boisterous boys, constantly drawing attention away from him.

* * *

Jay didn't want to leave her bedroom. They had returned to their apartment sometime in the early afternoon. Tori had fallen asleep in the car, exhausted after trying to keep up with her cousins all morning. Carrying her upstairs, holding her warm little body close, kept him grounded, gave him purpose.

After tucking her into bed, brushing a wavy lock of hair back from her face and kissing her forehead he had no reason to stay there. Tori's simple little bedroom had quickly become his favourite room in the house. Jay's muscles seemed to ache though he hadn't exerted himself, his feet exceedingly heavy as he dragged them out of the room, leaving her to sleep in peace. He felt tired, sick to his stomach and lost.

The crunch of wrapping paper being stuffed into a garbage bag didn't overpower the oppressive silence that fell as soon as they were in each other's presence. Keeping occupied was the only thing he could think of to stop himself from breaking down altogether. The menial task of washing their breakfast dishes by hand was enough.

"Can we talk?" Erin broke the silence to ask, voice small and uncertain but perfectly timed as he placed the last clean plate in the cupboard.

"I suppose we need to" Jay agreed, reluctantly, talking had only made things worse the previous day.

Still he turned to look at her, slumped against the bench, eyes pleading, red rimmed with dark circles beneath them. As dejected as she appeared, as much as he wanted to be willing to do anything to make her feel better, it was her own doing and he wasn't.

"I'm really sorry Jay. I'm. So. So. Sorry," Erin sputtered, tears shimmering in her eyes.

She took a moment to try to compose herself, clearing her throat and wringing her hands before forcing herself to look into his beautiful, stormy blue eyes.

"Yesterday – last night," she corrected, struggling to know how to start. "I came up with a lot of excuses, they were all bullshit. I did the wrong thing, big time, I know that. I don't know how to fix this…"

Jay wanted to say that she couldn't, that it was too great a betrayal. Realistically though he would have told her if it was that easy, he truly didn't know how to make the pain stop though. So he didn't say anything.

"I just... You can hate me, I do, but please, please don't ever blame yourself. I need you to know that you did everything right, I'm completely and totally the one at fault."

"I didn't even know we were broken," he admitted.

"I never wanted any of this to happen, I tried to end it so many times."

"Just-" Jay began, stopping when he noticed she was avoiding eye contact. He waited. "Erin. Tell me what happened, properly without any excuses. I need to know how this happened," he requested calmly.

"The case I told you about last night, the little girl who froze to death. We responded, tried to revive her. She was so little, so cold. Her lips were the same blue as Tori's favourite dress, the one with Elsa…" She trailed off, giving him the same haunted look they had shared after many a harrowing case.

"It was right after Hank started talking about retirement, when he was putting pressure you to take the sergeant's exam" She framed in a whisper, wanting him to understand _how_ and _when_ as well as _what_. "I was working late, pushing paper when all I wanted was to hold Tori, talk to you. Then Jacob, he- he came into my office, we debriefed. As parents. Then we were kissing. I don't know how it started but I didn't stop it. I should have.

"I knew it was wrong, I told him it could never happen again but it did. A few times. Then - that **one** time in the bathroom" she felt the need to emphasize. "I felt horrible, sick, I knew I needed to end it. Properly."

Swallowing the lump in her throat she gave him a sincere look, while he appeared as if she'd slapped him it wasn't painless for her to admit either.

"I was offered a job in New York a few weeks ago," she began again.

"And this is the first I'm hearing of it," Jay muttered, shaking his head in something close to disappointment.

"I was never going to take it," she assured, "but it's a promotion for Jacob. I recommended him. He leaves on Monday. I'm never going to see him again," she vowed firmly.

Jay took a few minutes to process that. He wasn't convinced that rehashing it, without the excuses but all the details, was really helping. The fact that she wasn't going to see Jacob again didn't erase what they had done together. Glancing over his shoulder he half hoped there would magically be more dishes to wash, he needed something to do with his hands, vibrating with restless energy.

"Would you ever have told me? If I hadn't seen?" He questioned at last.

Then it was her turn to think, really think. Why was honesty never easy? "No."

Jay scrubbed at his face, sighing deeply. It was merely another invisible blow, each somehow more forceful than the last. He was getting better at recovering and managed to maintain his posture, pulling at a loose thread on the dish towel.

"I wouldn't want to hurt you," Erin tried to justify, well aware how pathetic it had to sound. "I know I have, but I never wanted to. I love you Jay, even if you don't love me."

Denying that was his first instinct but he managed to stay quiet, watching the fabric bunch as he pulled too hard, not stopping until the thread snapped. "Er–" He breathed, he would always love her.

"I'll do anything to fix this Jay," she pled.

The darkness in his eyes frightened her, along with his calm exterior. His walls were going up as she watched, seemingly unable to stop them. Already so high she felt dizzy just looking up.

"We can get help, counselling, I can," she offered. As much as the thought terrified her she meant it. That and she wanted to shock him into some expression beyond stoicism. "I want to fix this, I just need you to tell me how."

"I don't know Erin. I can't trust you."

"You can. I have never regretted anything more than this. I love you. I just want things to go back to the way they were."

"It can't, ever."

Satisfaction coursed through his veins at the pained look that rapidly spread across her face.

"That weekend in October, you were fucking him on Friday and me the next day?" He stated, feeling another surge of something horrible but addictive. It somehow helped to know he was hurting her, even if it would never be as much as she had hurt him.

"No! Never!" She cried, clenching her jaw as she tried to suppress anger she had no real right to. A range of retorts came to mind, all untrue but hurtful, but she managed to supress them.

"I tried to stop it so many times Jay," she reiterated pleadingly. "We made out maybe five times, including whatever you saw this weekend. We had sex **once**. November 14th if you really want to know."

"I do."

"I can look through my case notes if you want exact dates. It was a stupid, self-destructive coping strategy," she explained. "I'm good at finding those," she added under her breath.

Jay couldn't help but scowl, he had always hated how readily and harshly she criticized herself.

"I'm not making excuses, I'm really not, but you were so stressed. And busy. I didn't want to add to that," she maintained. "And then, after the first time, I didn't how to talk to you. Be around you. I wanted to tell you. Apologise. But I didn't want to hurt you."

"Well you have," he snapped, the fight evaporating from his eyes, the torment beneath almost spilling over.

"I never stopped loving you. If I could go back I'd do it all differently. But I can't. I can't change it. I don't expect you to forgive me-"

"Yet."

"Yet? What do you mean?" She queried, shaking his head slowly then furrowing her brow as she tried to understand. A flutter of hope in her chest.

"I need time, Erin. Just give me some time."

"Okay," she accepted, sounding surprisingly calm when internally thrilled, at least he wasn't throwing it all in just yet. "I'll figure something out, give you time and space. I don't know how that would work with Tori, I can't not see her."

"Mummy?" A little voice questioned from behind her, the four year old had seemingly been summoned by her name.

"Hey baby, how did you sleep?" Erin managed, everything else forgotten as she turned around to look at their adorable, sleep-dishevelled daughter.

"Is it still 'Twistmas?"

"Sure is," Jay confirmed, surprised she hadn't rushed into her mother's arms. Tori always took her time to wake up. Post-nap cuddles served as a rare reminder of how small and helpless she had once been.

"Daddy, why are you sad?" Tori enquired, tilting her head to the side as she analysed his features.

"I'm not sad pumpkin," Jay denied, forcing a smile. Sometimes he wished she wasn't the daughter of two detectives, highly perceptive and observant. Already.

"Daddy needs a cuddle baby," Erin urged. Taking a step back as their eyes met to allow him more space with their daughter. His blues remained defeated, thankfulness shining through.

* * *

"Tori," Erin called with little regard for the game she was interrupting. Yet another tea party she suspected, Jay always more than happy to play along. "Would you like to have a sleepover at Grandpas tonight? With Danny and Jamie?"

"Yes!" Tori agreed instantly, her love for her grandpa only slightly outweighing the fun she had with her eight and two year old cousins.

Watching Tori nodding eagerly didn't stop Erin seeing the confused and curious look Jay was directing at her. "Time" She mouthed by way of explanation.

"Grandpa called to say that he misses you already," Erin lied to the four year old. She had initiated the call, intentionally, though Jay's visible discontent made her question relaying the outcome in that way.

"Grampa made me leave all my presents behind," Tori pouted.

"Well he wanted you to have something to play with when we visit," She reasoned gently, giving Tori a placating smile. She could imagine that to the newly four year old being expected to leave brand new toys behind at grandpas house was particularly difficult.

"I want to go play with 'em."

"No," Jay argued, unable to sit there quietly a single second longer.

"Tori, go get your pencils so you can try the colouring-in book Grandpa got you," Erin instructed. Jay could see through her overbearingly false encouraging smile but understood what she was doing and was glad for it. Tori couldn't see them argue.

"Okay Mummy," she accepted politely, abandoning Branson's Christmas tea party in favour of doing as she was told. Her pencils were kept in their sparkly blue case on the table in her bedroom.

"What are you doing?" Jay hissed the moment he determined their daughter out of earshot. "You can't just take her and run away to Hank's!"

"You wanted time," she countered frustratedly. "I asked Hank to take her for the night, I can stay there too, if you want. Or I can come back?"

"Alright," he nodded.

"You want to keep talking?" Erin clarified, partially surprised he had agreed so quickly when he looked so tired, crushed. She knew he wouldn't appreciate being separated from their daughter but salvaging their relationship would benefit Tori in the long run.

"Ready pumpkin?" Jay asked as soon as their daughter reappeared. The four year old clutched the pencil case in one hand, rushing over to the abandoned tea party to retrieve her beloved Bronson. She rarely went anywhere without the battered toy dog.

"Yep," she confirmed, stuffing Bronson into his new, bright orange, pet carrier so that he was ready for travel.

"Let's go," he told them both, moving towards the front door so they could don coats and boots.

Erin hadn't doubted him when he had said he didn't trust her, she just hadn't realised he meant at all. His sudden decision to accompany them served to highlight that he didn't even trust her with their daughter.

* * *

"See you in the morning pumpkin, I love you." Jay started, only a few minutes after they had arrived, wanting to say goodbye before Tori was too immersed in the movie her cousins had on. Exchanging goodbyes when she was distracted, wanting to do something else, only ever made him feel unneeded.

"I love you too baby, we love you," Erin contributed, bending to press a kiss to the top of the little girl's head.

"Bye Mummy."

"Listen to Grandpa."

"Uh-huh," Tori nodded, giving her grandpa – who was leaning against the doorframe into the dining room – a cheeky smile. He let her get away with anything.

"Remember to have fun, it's your birthday **and** Christmas!" Jay hyped, crouching down in front of his daughter, stealing her attention. Sometimes he worried she was too serious sometimes, childhood was fleeting and he wanted her to enjoy it.

"Erin," Hank beckoned, asking his daughter to step away from her own. Jay followed her with his eyes, he had been surprised when Hank hadn't pulled either of them aside after lunch. They both looked like shit. Tired. Tense. Distant.

"Don't be sad Daddy," Tori urged, frowning a little as she used a hand on either side of his face to direct his gaze at her. Their matching eyes met and a tiny, genuine smile ghosted Jay's lips.

"If you give me a kiss I'll promise," he requested. Tori complied immediately, kissing his stubbly cheek before wrapping her arms around his neck for a hug. "Thank you," he whispered into her sweet smelling hair, feeling better, stronger, with her love.

"Is everything okay?" Hank had croaked at Erin the moment she turned her hands up to ask what he wanted.

"Not really," she answered honestly. Looking everywhere but at him until she could manage a convincing reassuring stare, her eyes telling him she had everything under control. It wasn't true but she didn't need him digging deeper, exposing the truth, she couldn't bear his disappointed look.

"You know you're welcome here. Any time. I mean it."

"I know," she nodded, considering for a second that she might be back before the night was through. It would depend on how Jay reacted, if she could even find a way to tell him. "You're sure this is okay? I'm sorry about the late notice," she apologised, trying to focus.

"Of course. It's the best Christmas present," he shrugged happily. "At least get some sleep, both of you," he recommended to the pair when Jay stood and looked in their direction.

"Bye-bye baby," Erin farewelled.

"Bye Mummy, bye Daddy," Tori answered as she was lifted into her grandpa's strong arms, waving through the window until their car pulled away.

Being in the car without their daughter was a stark contrast, the Moana soundtrack was quickly silenced, the vehicle sliding into openings in the traffic with little consideration for a smooth ride. They were both mentally bracing themselves for yet another round, neither felt prepared.

Erin's palms were sweating so much she had to keep changing her grip on the steering wheel. She felt as if she might be sick, knowing she couldn't put it off much longer. Telling him. Driving erratically, eyes glued to the road, torn between getting to the apartment quickly in case she was sick and delaying, avoiding.

Jay watched her carefully, first through his peripheral vision then properly when he realised she was concentrating on driving. He hadn't seen her so anxious, flustered since the previous night, right before confessed. His gut told him things were going to get worse before they got better.

They trudged up the stairs together, silently agreeing that waiting for the elevator would only drag things out further. The apartment was dark, cold, even with hall light on and the thermostat set to a comfortable 75 degrees.

"It's weird here without her," he remarked. The sooner the conversation started the sooner he would know what was bothering her so much.

"There's something else I need to tell you Jay."

"I'd better sit down huh?"

"Probably a good idea," she advised, surprised by how well he seemed to be taking it.

"So?" He questioned once they had resumed their positions from the night before. "What is it?"

"Uh…Do-did you want to open your Christmas present now?" Erin offered hopefully, pale, sweaty and restless, still hoping she wouldn't have to say it aloud.

"No. I want you to tell me what's making you so nervous," he urged, swallowing hard. Her anxiety was rubbing off. "You've got an STD? You're using again?" He listed, worst case scenarios to minimise whatever her confession was.

"No!" Erin rejected resolutely, anger and sadness that he would even think those things distracting her from the sick feeling bubbling in her stomach.

"We used to be able to talk about anything, talk to me Erin. Just tell me."

"I-I'm pregnant." Catching her breath she watched him intently, hoping for any indication of how he was feeling.

"Sure," Jay scoffed, even though deep down he knew it was true. She had no reason to lie. Nothing to gain.

"That weekend in October," she explained.

"You expect me to believe that?" He demanded sceptically. He could accept that she was pregnant but not that it was his.

"Yes!" She cried, standing up.

Jay thought she was going to storm out, convinced she had been caught in her own web of lies. Instead she crossed to the Christmas tree and snatched up one of the two gifts, the one bearing his name. Without a moment's hesitation she tore away the wrapping paper, perching back on the edge of her seat so he had full view of the contents as she lifted the lid.

Erin folded back the orange tissue paper carefully, revealing a tiny white onesie. Jay slapped a hand over his mouth completely involuntarily, trying to prevent his heart escaping as he read the simple black letters, sideways. 'No longer the only pumpkin in the patch.' Decorated with two little pumpkins on top, one big, one small.

If he could forget the last few days they would have been tears of joy, another Christmas miracle. Instead though they were red hot anger, trailing down his cheeks, burning him. She had planned this in advance. If he hadn't seen them in the mall she would never have told him, she would have made him think it was their baby. Passed off as 'premature' but completely healthy no doubt.

"Look," she demanded, well aware what he had assumed. She promptly tossed the onesie aside and grasped for the black and white picture below. He had carried one a lot like it in his pocket for months before Tori was born, she had thought it was sweet.

"I had a dating scan. I wasn't sure-" she admitted in a whisper. "It's definitely yours Jay, 12 weeks."

"Well that's a relief I suppose," he murmured sarcastically. Still he took the picture and had a good look, knowing straight away it was too developed for – seven, maybe eight weeks he calculated quickly. A big round head with eyes and a nose, fingers and toes easily identifiable despite it being a standard fuzzy sonogram picture. The details typed at the top matched too.

They'd had an eight week and a thirteen week scan with Tori. The first had been tense, gripping each other's hands so tightly their knuckles were white, terrified. They had barely known a week when Erin had started bleeding. They had been so lucky, a month later their little blob was still there, looking more like a baby. Looking like this baby.

Erin could tell from the way his breathing changed that he believed her, furiously wiping away tears with the back of his hand. She waited for the smile, the first time – when she kicked him out of the bathroom to do the test even though he promised he would be by her side through it all – his goofy, kid-on-Christmas-morning smile was what had told her it would all be okay. In light of everything that was too much to ask.

"I know the timing isn't great," she rasped, uncertainly, clasping her hands together so he didn't see how much they were shaking. "I know it's a lot. But maybe-maybe it could be a good thing?"

"Yes, bringing a new baby into our fucked up, broken family is a great idea Erin!" He burst out, wanting to scrunch the picture and throw it at her. He couldn't though, eyes drawn back to it, seeing hope and love even if he didn't feel it. "It's not as if you haven't been able to cope with one..."

"Jay," she sobbed. If they had made any progress earlier it was gone now, leaving her feeling just as vulnerable and exposed as she had 24 hours earlier.

"Congratulations Erin, you win."

"Jay," she repeated sullenly, commanding him to look at her.

"Well I can't exactly leave you while you're pregnant. Hank would kill me," he reasoned snidely.

"Jay, I promise it's yours."

"I don't doubt that," he resigned, "I probably should but I don't."

He wished he had known sooner, had more time to process it. At the same time he understood why she hadn't told him earlier. He was glad that he had time and practice that allowed him to handle the news slightly better.

"You want to leave me?"

"Do you really want a baby to be the reason we stay together?" He asked, finding it immensely difficult to accept that their relationship had come to that. "I'm clearly not enough... Remember when we actually loved each other?"

"I remember, I want that. I love you Jay," Erin argued, "I'll do anything."

 _Anything but commit_ , Jay wanted to say. Actions spoke louder than words so he let as much emotion as he could bear surface, pain, anger, longing, confusion, mistrust.

"I'll give notice, quit my job and be a stay-at-home mum. The baby is due in July, Tori starts school in September…" She proposed desperately.

"You always said you would never do that."

"Well everything has changed, I've changed!"

"I've noticed," he replied before thinking.

There was no sound beyond her sniffles for a long moment as Jay tried to think. He couldn't come up with a straightforward way to forgive her. Knowing she was tucked away in their apartment might help, superficially, but it didn't address the underlying issue, he didn't know how to do that. All he could do was reaffirm his willingness to try.

"I love you Erin, I will always love you." He confided, reaching across to hold her hand. Shaky and sweaty clinging to shaky and sweaty.

"I love you too Jay," she replied softly, slowly. Still, after years together, he could tell the phrase scared her. "And I mean it. I'll quit my job. We'll get counselling. Do you think that'd be-?" _enough_. She didn't say it because she knew it wasn't, not even close.

"I don't know," he admitted honestly. "It's worth trying, anything is better than this."

"I know. I completely ruined Christmas."

"A lot more than just Christmas," he agreed bluntly. Erin pulled her hand from his, taking his words like a physical blow. "Erin I am not going to be the only one fighting here," he made clear.

"You're not, I want this Jay, us."

Silence, again. There had been a lot of noticeable, uncomfortable silences between them in the last few days, weeks. Somehow that one wasn't quite the same. They had been parched explorers in a desert, they hadn't found water but now there was a glimmer of hope on the horizon. It was too soon to tell if it was a mirage.

"I was going to propose to you. Today. That's what your present was, **is** , a ring." Jay shared after several moments of indecision.

"I-I-I'm so sorry," she stuttered, tears dripping from her chin before she even realised she was crying. She couldn't understand why he was telling her, she wouldn't have said a word if he'd taken the present and hidden it away. Despite the shape and size she hadn't suspected it.

For the first few years of their relationship she had hardly been able to cope whenever he produced a little jewellery box, terrified despite his assurances. Earrings for her birthday, a bracelet then a necklace for anniversaries, charms and pendants for holidays. A ring with Tori's birthstone she wore on a necklace at work. He knew how it unsettled her and made sure to find something for every significant occasion so that he ever did propose she wouldn't be expecting it.

"I'd like to think you'd have refused."

"I wouldn't have," she denied, shaking her head sadly. He could imagine her accepting out of a guilty conscience. "After the last few months though? You were going to propose when we've barely talked for **months**?"

"I knew we had work to do. More than I expected but still…" He shrugged and exhaled sharply. "I thought you might agree, that it'd be an incentive. It's just an engagement ring."

"Can-could I see it?"

Jay didn't hesitate, pushing himself up and out of the chair he calmly retrieved the little box, peeling away the wrappings. He opened it as he stood before her, the ring sparkling in the light as he set the box on her upturned palm.

"Tori picked it," he shared as he sunk back into his seat. He might have gone for something simpler, more practical, but Tori never failed to remind him of Erin's delicate, feminine side. His girls were something else, tough and fierce and determined, but far more kind, gentle and appreciative of pretty things then they liked to let on.

"She knows?!"

"I warned her," he reasoned, "explained to her that Mummy might say no. That it wasn't her job to change your mind."

"She hasn't said anything to me."

"That's because I told her it was a surprise, not a secret," Jay informed. He understood why Erin was so strict about secrets, it was her way of protecting their precious little girl from anything untoward.

"How long have you had this?" Erin enquired curiously, normally she could read their child like an open book. She supposed she had been distracted.

"Sunday."

"And you didn't return it when you saw us?"

Jay couldn't help but frown at the use of 'us.' "I bought it after."

"How?" Erin demanded in amazement. If she had been in his shoes, catching him with someone else - she didn't even want to think. Which she knew was unfair since he had no choice. "I really don't deserve you."

Jay considered that for a long moment. He might be on the morally right side on that occasion but that certainly wasn't always the case. He had made mistakes, not of the same scale but he wasn't perfect.

"Erin," he began, reaching across to take her hand again before continuing. "I think, maybe, I'd like you to wear it. Not as a promise of marriage, fidelity maybe, as a reminder. To you and everyone else.

"I don't want to force you but if you can't promise that, commit, I don't know what we've been doing for the last few years. Pretending?"

"Okay," Erin accepted. "I'll wear it," she clarified, pulling the ring free from the velvety lining of the ring box.

"You don't have to answer now, really think about it. Please," he urged. "I love you so much Erin, but this – this is your last chance."

"Jay, I promise," she vowed seriously.

"Are you sure?"

"I promise I will never, ever be with another man, sexually, emotionally, physically," she listed, "whatever," she finished. Having quickly run out of other options. "You're it for me Jay, from here on out. If you won't have me, I understand.

"I promise to talk to you, about everything, any time. To be open and honest with you, always. I **want** to be worthy of your love."

Jay took the ring from her fingertips, turning it over carefully before shifting forward in his chair, holding eye contact as he slid the shining metal band onto her ring finger. If it was the closest he ever got to hearing vows from her he suspected he would survive. It wasn't perfect, but it was them, undeniably.

"We're equals in this Erin. I promise I'll forgive you, not yet but I will," he assured determinedly.

"Maybe one day?" She asked, knowing he would never forget the exchange credited as the beginning of their relationship.

"Definitely," Jay committed, first admiring the ring on her finger – a perfect fit – then tugging at her hand until she stood.

Erin allowed herself to be manoeuvred onto his lap, strong arms wrapping around her reassuringly. She breathed a deep sigh of relief, having feared he would never touch her again, and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I love you," he breathed into her hair, pressing his lips to the top of her head for a brief moment. It was the most he was comfortable doing at that point, that and working his hand up in under her shirt. Placing it over her the very slight swell of her stomach he closed his eyes, breathing easier for the first time in what felt like an eternity.

"Thank you. I will never forgive myself." Erin replied, looking at him as she spoke then nuzzling into his neck, enjoying his warmth, the closeness even if she had to live hating herself forevermore.

"Do, please," Jay implored quickly, "forgive, just don't forget."

"I'll try."

"One more request," he added a few seconds later.

"Anything."

"Can we go get Tori now? Before we miss the rest of her birthday and she has to sleep in a strange bed?"

"Definitely. I'll call, you can drive."

* * *

 **This chapter was quite dialogue heavy, and overall I think my writing style was quite inconsistent over the series (a result of taking too long between updates). But it turned out almost exactly as I planned so I'm fairly happy with this as the conclusion.**

 **Thank you for reading. Thoughts?**


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